Different

Its so different this time.

So wonderfully, refreshingly different!

Each new day and every new stage and accomplishment of this precious baby girl triggers memories of our Evies first tumultuous months.  Ive been reminiscing a lot lately.  I had no idea that the gift of this new baby would released again, fresh tears...and prayers...and thanksgiving...as Ive reflected on all He has done since those scary first days and weeks when Evie was tiny.

I think I lived so much those first few months, crippled some days by fear, that I missed out so much on enjoying our sweet Evie as a baby.
Hold her, we did.
Treasure every second of every day she was on loan to us, absolutely.
But the care-free, bubbly, light-hearted enjoyment of a new baby evaded us.

I was too scared of loosing her to really breathe deeply.

I remember every morning I woke up, my instinctive first reaction was to roll over and stretch my hand through her crib rungs and lay it on her chest to see if she was still breathing.
A sickening pause...
...then, a sigh of relief...another morning she was alive!

Constantly while driving, Id do the same.  Slip my hand behind me over her carseat....just to feel the rise and fall of her chest.

My girls!

Every sound she made or symptom she showed petrified me!  There were so many, many sleepless nights watching the pulse ox monitor glowing in our bedroom and the numbers plummeting...

....then the alarms.
We'd administer oxygen.  Reposition the probes.  Call the doctor.  Pack her up and drive.
Another night in the ER.

Sleep studies, CF testing, bronchoscopy, endoscopy, countless blood draws, discussions about auto immune disorders, CT scans, x-rays, swallow study, and on...and on....and on.
So much wasted snuggle time!
There were so many things I missed.
I missed holding Evie on my shoulder.  The incision site was too tender.  She had to be cradled just so...and still was always in pain.
No footie pajamas, because the monitor had to be on her foot at all times to measure her oxygen level.
I missed the bonding of breastfeeding for weeks while she was in the hospital.
I missed bathing her.
....I.....missed....out!

God gave us so much grace for that terribly frightening first year of her life....but there was nothing "normal" about having a baby like Evie.  I desperately wanted to do it again...at least once again....differently.

God knew I needed one more.
Having the warmth of a sweet, healthy, normal baby girl in my arms has been such a redeeming, healing gift.
Everything has been different.
Every cry or gurgle from the back-seat has not sent me spiraling into fear.
I can let her fuss for a minute or two while I move on laundry or pull dinner out of the oven.
Bathtime is sweet.  No scars to avoid.
And pink footie pajamas that dont require toe-access for a pulse ox minitor.

Im breathing.  enjoying!  Dwelling in green pastures.

So grateful for this.  Redeeming.  Beautiful.  Healing.  God-given.  Gift!!
My girl
...My girls!
Through both, Im learning.  Trusting.  Growing.  Receiving.  Loving!!
Thank you Lord!
Treasures.  Gifts, each one!