Practicing Peace

My stomach starts to lurch as we wind our way around and around the cramped curves of the parking garage.
Its early in the morning after a two hour drive to Charleston and Ive already been short with my husband.  Impatient with my kids.
Anxious.
Fretful.
My springs are wound a bit tight today.

We check into Medical University of South Carolina and that familiar feeling starts to wash over me.
I love this place.
I hate this place.
The emotional paradox always catches me off guard when I walk through these doors.  The highs and lows of memories battle a contradiction and I steady myself for an encounter with the past.
Everything is a trigger.
The click-clack of high heels on the cement floors of the long white-walled corridors.
The overwhelming smell of hospital sanitizing solution.
The beeping dopplers and monitors that were constant companions for our girl in her first weeks of life.
But then there are the precious familiar faces of those who loved and cared for her and gave us hope.

She bravely cooperates for her ECHO.
Her precious zipper scar exposed.  Ultrasound of her heart examined.
Daddy holds her hand.  She watches cartoons.
After completing it, the technician returns and says he needs to get some more pictures.
And I assume the worst.  And try not to worry.


Peace that passes understanding.
Peace that passes understanding.
.....I long to dwell there and not give way to fear.
I do so imperfectly.

She skips out of the exam room with lollipop in hand....blissful....for now.
She has bubbled all morning, excited that "its Gigi's first trip to Chal-ston".
Her worries are few.
My mind wanders.  What when she's a teenager?  She'll grow to dread these obtrusive check ups.  I hate that for her and wish, for the millionth time, that I could take it away.
No matter how "normal" and "strong" and "healthy" she is.....this will always be a part of her life.  A part of her testimony.

Ominous clouds threaten a clear mind.
I struggle to give thanks, to rest in the strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

After 4 hours, we finally meet with the cardiologist.
He smiles compassionately, acknowledging the concern in the eyes of a worried parent..."nothing has changed with her dilating ascending aorta"
The words penetrate the core of my anxiety and I breath a huge sigh of relief.

He gives her a 9 month "leash" before he wants her back for another ECHO.  That's a record for us.  I remember when she went in bi-weekly for follow up on her heart.  Then monthly.  Then every 6 months.  Now we have the green light for nearly a year before she will be seen again.  Huge strides!

Fearfully.  Wonderfully. Made.
God doesnt make mistakes.
Her special heart will always be "porcelain", but the solid truths He has to teach us through her little life continue to bring me to my knees.
Evangeline Shalom = bringer of Joy and Peace

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You."

Isaiah 26:3

Im realizing peace is a practice.  A daily, situational, perfecting practice.
One Ive not yet mastered.
It means choosing to dwell in trust rather than give way to fear.
It means that trust is steadfast in the Lord, not in man...or insurance coverage...or skilled physicians.
I admit it.  Id never choose this life for her.  But Id never trade the ways God has shown himself faithful and the prayers He's answered....His patience with me in the process...and the peace He's lavished upon us through this precious girl and through her heart.