Friday, January 8, 2010

Someday


It was the evening Id looked forward to all week - Girls Night Out at a local Italian restaurant.
I'd taken time to curl my hair and was abandoning my signature diaper bag for the little black Prada purse C bought for me on the black market in China. I kissed C and tried to hand Evie over. She desolved into tears. Great big crocodile tears. Pleading eyes. Bottom lip out. Brokenhearted. The whole nine yards.

...and me. I caved. I just melted into a puddle too.

"Do you want me to take her with me?" I asked C.
"Do YOU want to take her?" he responded.

I nodded

I packed the formula. The bottle. The diapers. The wipes. The blanket and shouldered the whopping diaper bag along with the purse and hoisted Evie onto my hip and walked out the door.

I scolded myself as I drove to town with Evie chattering contentedly in the back seat. Im not a pushover mom. I dont want to raise a manipulator. I dont want to foster "princess syndrome". I dont want to create a monster. But sometimes, sometimes I cant discard what she's been through and treat her like a "normal" baby.

When Im stiff in the morning because she still wakes up with reflux and needs to be held through the night, I think of the weeks she lay in a hospital bed when all I could do was carress her head around the tape and wires that envelloped her little body.

Its a helpless feeling to hold your baby down for literally hundreds of blood draws and not be able to explain that its for their good. With as much as Ive done it, you'd think it would make me tougher. But it just strengthens a resolve to protect her from unnecessary tears.
When you've imagined life without your child, there is no moment that you want to experience without them. So every now in then, you give in.....even when you know you shouldn't.

I know sometimes it will be necessary for me to stick to resolves. We're working on discipline. I want a God-honoring, sweet-spirited, other's conscious daughter and know that will take work.
Someday she will have to grow up.
Someday she's going to have to learn the meaning of the word schedule and start sleeping through the night.
Someday we will insist that she get a job and teach her the value of a good work ethic.
Someday we'll help pack her up for college and launch her into adulthood.
Someday she will walk down the aisle on her daddy's arm wearing white.

But today....today she is my baby. My little miracle. She's exceeded doctors expectations and therefore deserves to be an exception to the rules.............from time to time.

Someday I will wine and dine with a suave little black purse on my arm.....but for today, that tattered old diaper bag feels just right on my shoulder.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...
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tricityty said...

Aw... what a good mom! hope you had some fun! like you said someday!

shannon said...

Well, I can tell you this, girl- you're not alone. Knowing i my head that I need to keep the same standards for all my little ones, my heart tends to soften when it comes to Jack. There have been nights that I've thought, as I walk with Jack in my arms from his room to mine, that I need to let him cry it out and he needs to learn.....and then I think of all the time he has spent crying, not able to be comforted by my arms, and I scoop him up and head to my bed.
I think of it like this, though-- at the end of my life, when I look back over time, loving my child one minute longer and holding him close instead of leaving him be will NOT be one of my regrets.

Faith M. said...

Oh, Mandy! The timing of this post has such perfection. The plan is to take Maggie's pacis away tomorrow. I was all ready to do it this afternoon and all the way home from my night out with Ryan, I've been struggling. I am dreading it. Your post sums up exactly WHY I am dreading it. I hadn't been able to put it into words, but you did. She deserves a little bit extra... a little bit longer. However, it's not going to get easier the longer I wait. It will probably get harder. So, tomorrow, they will probably go and I will definitely cry right along with her.

Donna said...

I get it too,...as a mother of premie children who almost lost them at birth, it leaves you with an appreciation for each day as a gift. As long as you discipline them, they won't get spoiled...they just know you love them! They are little such a short time...enjoy every minute!!

Josie said...

Sweet, sweet, sweet. But just think of what she has already learned...I dont have to walk her to sleep anymore. =) Love you sis, and all your munchkins.

The Carter's said...

:) I totally understand!

And just think...you're teaching Evie the importance of Girls Night Out! That IS a big part of being a girl, you know!

birthinukraine said...

Aw, Mandy, ezzos make me so mad sometimes, like now. you're so wonderful, and i have so much admiration for you as a beautiful woman, wife and mom. don't let ezzos method guilt you for treating a baby like a baby. touch, time, and attention are such precious, relational commodities that parents should be showering on their kids. they need it so desperatly. you have such a sweet conscience; ge isn't god; dont let him spoil mothering for you :)- Vitaliy would tell you that your conscience is only satisfied by God, not our standards, but that's another long story . . .

wuv from another mommy-night-out lover :-)

Three Fold Cord said...

So sweet. I am sure you are not a pushover mom! You have five kids and you homeschool and you have a husband that travels. I would fully agree that this moment was one of those "this is my miracle baby moments"
I love your thoughts on Someday, Today.

In Him,
Charlotte
ATL

Natasha said...

Mandy,
Karen introduced me to your blog almost a year ago (time flies!) and I've been keeping up with your posts - I love reading them. You are a wonderful mom, and you're doing just the right thing. She does need that extra moments, and how could you not give it to her? I am that way with my kids. I don't think I'm a push-over mom. They get disciplined but they also need that special touch. That's what mommy's are for! Keep it up, girl!
Natasha

Brooke said...

Oh, Mandy,I just cried reading this (and believe me, I don't cry easily). When my little ones are wanting to be held, I remember those few days when I yearned to hold Hudson and couldn't until after he was with Jesus. Last week, Emie was throwing up for hours and I was able to hold her in my arms for 12 hours or so and wondered if it would be the last time I would hold her that long since she's growing up so quickly and soon won't want me to hold her even when sick. Thank you for posting this...it encouraged my heart towards tenderness because so often, I make them "buck up!" and this softened my heart (in a good way!)

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